reaching for hands that are not there
by Ecchymoz
Summary: "(She tries not to think about how Quinn's house is 2 miles away from hers and how she doesn't have a car and how she seems to be drenched; that rain's a bitch. She succeeds, because she has hours of practice of not thinking about things she shouldn't be thinking about, like how Brittany's smile makes her stomach feel warm.)" quinntana drabble inspired by the pezberry scene in 4x15


words: 664

note: what the pezberry scene in G(a)BoF inspired me. i don't ship pezberry so instead of freaking out during the hug like most people i know, i just wanted to cry because the look on santana's face screamed 'i never did that for quinn' and i _am _a quinntana shipper so_... _here it is.

* * *

The memory hits Santana just like the pebble that homeless guy threw at her when she told him he smelled like a tampon used by a dog on its period. Suddenly, she sees rain banging on the window's glass of her bedroom in Lima and running down to be the first drop to reach the bottom and get lost within each other. She sees blonde hair and a red Anthropologie dress running too, towards her front door and she hears banging against the wood. She smirks, thinking that Q is just like rain. Noisy, annoying, never at the right place at the right time.

She doesn't go downstairs right away. Instead she waits to see if Quinn really needs her or is being her usually fickle self.

(She tries not to think about how Quinn's house is 2 miles away from hers and how she doesn't have a car and how she seems to be drenched; that rain's a bitch. She succeeds, because she has hours of practice of not thinking about things she shouldn't be thinking about, like how Brittany's smile makes her stomach feel warm.)

The blonde doesn't make a noise for a very long time, but she doesn't leave. Finally when Santana opens the door, she finds her sitting on the porch, face hidden in her palms. Shaking. She regrets her gesture immediately because fuck if she doesn't hate when Q comes seeking comfort at her place. Not like it happens regularly or anything, but the first two times were enough.

She doesn't really know what to do, so she only puts on a coat and sits next to her without a word. Quinn doesn't even look at her, she keeps on crying silently in a way only her can manage. She hates her a little bit for being the type of broken that everyone wants to fix.

(You sat on the porch for at least half an hour, and when you close your arms around Rachel in New York you remember every breath you took that rainy day, but you neurons do the connection in a microsecond and you could relive your entire existence in less time than it took for Finn to come during his first time.)(You keep yourself from thinking that nobody really tried to fix Quinn before she dyed her hair pink.)

Quinn eventually stops crying but doesn't move and instead just keeps saying _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry_ until her voice gets hoarse. Santana doesn't want to feel anything for her but is forced to, because nobody chooses the people they're ready to die for. She doesn't understand what Preggers is sorry for. If she feels sorry for herself, or for the baby she carries and to whom she can't offer a perfect life. It doesn't really matter, in the end.

The truth is, she wants her to get better, she wants her to smile as if she wasn't carrying her belly like fucking Atlas; the words gets stuck in her lungs though, where they linger until she feels like she can't breathe anymore, and the hugs are hold prisoners in her bones – she aches but she does nothing.

Quinn leaves, in the end. It stopped raining but it's dark and Santana lets her go without a warning, without proposing to drive her. She's too scared to pronounce a word, and too scared to admit it.

The memory fades and she's back in New York, Rachel sobbing in her arms and she feels herself tighten her hold around her fragile shoulders, and before she has the time to think she hears her own voice saying _You're gonna be okay, it's okay._

She wants to cry but she only does so when she finally hears Quinn's voice over the phone, two hours or so later, after Rachel fell asleep on the couch. She says _Hello_, and Santana says _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry_ until Quinn cries too.

When they stop speaking and she hangs up, it's 4:37am.


End file.
